Great Expectations
It's astounding how things can twist in a snap of a finger... More than a year ago, I remember myself wildly chasing my dreams as if there's no tomorrow. Yearning to be the best that I can be, trying to bear out my worth to everybody and doing whatever it takes to be identified. Now as I watch my friends, as well as my foes, carry out what I was doing then, I can't help but smile and tell myself, "Its okay Kate, you'll be back on track soon".
I am happy, I couldn't be any happier. For the first time in my life, I can say publicly that I am living my life, loving, taking it all in, feeling and giving. For the first time, I don't have to rush and compete with everybody. For the first time, I'm taking it all slowly and surely. For the first time, I saw the simple side of me; the side that dreams to be married, to be a mother of a household, not the hot shot corporate lawyer that everybody foresees me to be. For the first time in my life, I am happy, truly and blissfully happy.
For years and years, I let my dreams and my ambitions rule over me. Everyday, I am fueled by this indistinct and unidentified force inside me to get up everyday, live other's expectations of me and be the best, so that they can be proud of me.
It was euphoric for a time. Then I got drained and deadbeat exhausted. One day, I woke up asking myself... Am I happy? Is this is what I really want? Am I living my life?
I had no answers. I felt empty; there was a deep void within me that needed to be filled. So I looked for answers within: What it is that I want to do? What will make me completely content and happy? Still, I had no answers.
As I think of it now, I know why. It's because all my life I was trying to be what other people wanted me to be. I was trying to appease the people who wanted to drag me down to their level so that I could surpass them. In doing so, I did not have the opportunity to reflect on what I in fact sought; what will, if truth were told, what will make me happy?
One thing I learned is that there is a time when you will have to be what other people expect you to be, not because you want to, but because you love them and you don't want to let them down. But we should also remember that we only live once. They had their chance to live their lives; it's our time to live ours.
I'm relieved that I served my time. I am happy I am now breathing and truly existing, happy and contented. Thank you to that person who taught me what life is. I hope you find yours too.
Written in 2006 by Katherine Micoleta --- Philippines