THE DISCOVERY

Ryan knew that things had not been going well, but he never thoughtthat it would have been so hard. It had been two weeks since he andCatherine had decided to take a break. They both knew that it was theonly thing to do, something was wrong with them, it was just so hard tounderstand what. Ryan had spent many nights thinking about what he couldhave done differently, maybe if he had more money to take her out, abetter job, of if he had encouraged her more.

He just couldn't help thinking that he would end up getting hurt again. He knew how she stillfelt for him but the thought that she would find someone better still echoed in his head.Every time they talked, and every time he saw Catherine he knew that he loved her and thatthey would surely come backto each other he just wished he knew when and how.

The phone rang, which was something that shocked Ryan now because itdidn't happen as often any more. He looked at the call display and ofcourse it was his grandparents they had been asking him over a lotlately. "Hello!" Ryan said trying to sound cheerful. "Hello Ryan, howwas work today?" His grandmother sounded delightfully cheerful todaywhich made him think that she must have wanted something. "Oh it was thesame as every other day. What do you need Grandma?" knowing that shewould have something for him to do.

He hoped that he did not have tocome over and help his grandpa make one of those flower pot lightsagain, he hated making those they took so bloody long and were souseless. "Well, I don't need anything, it's my friend Belle, youremember her don't you Ryan, she's the one who comes over for coffee onTuesdays. Anyway she's going away on a trip to Las Vegas and needssomeone to watch her cat. She'll only be away for a week, and I figuredsince you have two cats now that you would know what to do, she will payyou if you want?"

She finally paused and waited for Ryan's reply. Ryanfigured that he had nothing better to do with his spare time lately."Sure grandma, you can tell Belle that I'll watch her cat. She doesn'thave to pay me though. Her cat doesn't have diabetes or anything doesit?" He started to wonder if he had got himself into something.

"No, Tigger is just an attention starved orange calico cat, he likes his food a bowlof milk every day, and he is allowed outside once and a while for a run.Belle's left me all the things that you need to know here. I have herhouse key and I can show you where it is."

She seemed eager about thefact that Ryan was going to do a favour for her friend. "It seems asthough you already said that I would before you asked me grandma?" Ryanjust laughed knowing that she would do something like that.

"Well, Ithought that you would say yes, I know that you like cats, and if youdidn't I would have asked your brother Dave. He doesn't have any way toget there every night though." "Yeah, I know. Well, I have to shower andthen I will come over and get all the stuff." You could hear in the toneof her voice that she was impressed with her grandson. " Thank you Ryan.Don't rush, I have to wait for the health nurse to come help yourgrandpa anyway, bye dear." Ryan knew that if he didn't hurry his grandpawould get mad that he was there so late. "I'll see you soon grandma,bye."

Ryan had been so angry at his grandpa for being such a grouch toeveryone lately. Though his grandpa had had a stroke and his whole rightside was paralyzed and he was in a wheel chair, that did not give himthe right to tell everyone where to go.

His grandparents had been undera lot of stress lately. Ryan's Mom had mentioned that they should moveinto a home, so that his grandpa could get more assistance. It wasgetting to be to much work for his grandma and they have had to have ahealth nurse come a lot more. His Grandpa wanted to stay at his own homeand be independent, though he isn't! His grandma is tied down towatching and taking care of him every minute and he gives her noappreciation at all.

Ryan shook his head, put his cat snowball on the floor and headed forthe shower. He got himself together in a half hour. It was only sixthirty so his grandpa can't complain about him being late. Ryan decidedto have a cigarette on the way, yes he had started smoking again, butwith all the stress he would have gone crazy without something to deterit. He made it a quick trip getting the keys and the address, the shortlist of how to find everything in the house andTiggers vets phone number, which made him laugh. Belle was leaving inthe morning, and would be back next Friday.

Ryan had another long day at work, he had stayed late again trying tocatch up. Realizing that the only way he could ever catch up was ifthere were two of him. Ten people had been laid off in the last monthand so they had just delegated Ryan with another job on top of doingmaintenance. This has made things harder because things are being donebut not fixed, unless Ryan stays late everynight, and eventually he willbecome worn out and then nothing will be done. He had a shower and wentto have a quick nap before he went to look after the cat. The quick napended up being three hours. It was nine thirty and Ryan thought that hehad better hurry and feed Belle's cat.

He felt so weird going into someone's house that he didn't know."Tigger, here kitty?" He looked for the light switch on the wall, andheard Tigger come running up from downstairs. "YOWL," Tigger brushed upagainst Ryan's leg almost tripping him up the stairs. Then he led theway to the kitchen and straight to the empty food dish. "YOWL," he criedagain as Ryan opened the pantry, took out the bag of cat food, and pouredsome in the bowl. Tigger didn't even touch it, then he opened therefrigerator, found a bowl and poured some milk.

Tigger dove into themilk and did not stop until the bowl was empty. Ryan stroked the catthinking that with the cold, Tigger would not stay out long. So he openedthe screen door and sent him out. Taking a quick look around he realizedthat this did not look like the home of an eighty year old woman. Shehad pictures of friends and grandchildren on the wall but the samemodern furniture and decorating that he would have chosen.

He walked into the living room and noticed that she had the movieArmageddon on the table. A movie that even Ryan's mother wouldn't watch.He noticed an old worn out book beside it. Ryan sat down, let hiscuriosity get him and opened it up. The first page had been written withfountain pen, Belle Anderson's poetry and thoughts - 1940.

He lookedaround as if he was doing something he shouldn't be. He decided that shewouldn't have left it on the table if she did not want someone to readit so he started turning the pages. All of Belle's thoughts and feelingswere written out in poetry with so much passion and emotion that readingit made you feel as if you were there. Ryan read about the way Belle sawthings. Her family, the boys she liked, and all the dreams she had aboutwhat she would become.

After one hour of reading her book he felt thathe knew her. He knew how she felt about Bill, her boyfriend. He knewthat even with the dreams she had she knew her future was planned forher, and that it would be the same as every other woman's back then,staying home and looking after her husband and children.

He could feelhow passionate she was about life and love in the way she describedeverything she was going through. Ryan felt so bad that a woman like herdid not get to become something more and have a choice of career. Howcould she, a woman with so much to offer have to live a life soordinary?

Back then they didn't have those choices. A woman's role was awoman's role. Ryan thought for awhile after this and realized that heshould not be jealous of Catheine's future. He should be glad that shecan be what she dreamed about instead of writing all her unfulfilleddreams in a book.

Then another poem caught Ryan's eye. This one was about Belle and Bill.They had been together a year by then. Belle wrote about how she knewthat something was missing in their relationship, and if she didn't stopand try to find out what it was then she would always wonder if theywere right for each other.

Then she continued to write about how theytalked it over and decided that because they were still in school maybea break would be good so they could have time to think things out. Notto be a prude, but Ryan thought that things like that didn't happen backthen. People met, got married and had lots of children. To know that hewas going through the same thing that an eighty year old once did wassort of comforting to him. He couldn't wait to see how Belle and Billfixed things.

Ryan flipped through the pages, and found something thatcaught his eye. She mentioned the story of the Velveteen Rabbit. Ryanhad always liked that story when he was little and his mother would readit to him when he wasn't feeling good. For those of you who don't know,the story is about a toy rabbit who comes to life because he was trulyand deeply loved, Belle continued to write.

Becoming real is something we each must do if we want our lives toamount to more than superficial relationships with superficial people.Until you're real, meaning who you really are inside you can never betruly loved by another person. Love doesn't make you real, as it did theVelveteen Rabbit, that love comes from within yourself.

What qualitiesare integral to the people you love and admire; kindness; compassion;strength; honesty? What qualities do I possess myself?

Being real isbeing the same person all the time. Most people have fragmentedthemselves. One side of your personality at work, one the person you arewith your friends; one for your mate, and with the deepest core you onlyevidence when you're alone at home in front of the fire. The feeling thatyour core personality is not fit for public, obviously shows that youdon't think much of yourself. How can you expect someone else to loveyou, if you don't think you're worthy enough of their love? And if theyshow any signs of loving you anyway, you won't trust that love, becausedeep in your heart, you're sure that eventually, when they find out whoyou really are, they won't love you anymore.

That was it! That was what his problem was. Ryan knew that he neverthought much of himself, but until now he never realized that iteffected the way his relationship went with Catherine. He was jealousthat she may get a good job when she finished school, and that she wouldamount to more than he did. He just never thought that he was, or everwould be important to anything, or anyone for that matter. To think aboutit, if he didn't go to work, they wouldn't know how to fix half of thethings that he does. Catherine had said that when things werebothering her, Ryan was always great at helping her deal with them.Belle's book had struck a chord in Ryan's mind that needed work.

He spent awhile thinking about what he had right in front of him, andrealized that he had all that he needed. He had his own place to stay,his own food to eat, a truck, two cats, and a great relationship withhis family. All that was missing was that he needed to be happy withwhat he had and if he wasn't, do something about it. He walked aroundBelles' house thinking, wishing that he could do something about what hejust discovered, though he knew it would still take time. He needed timeby himself.

"Oh, Tigger?" He had forgotten that he let the cat outside. He lookedat the clock and it was two am! He hadn't stayed up this late withoutbeing tired in a long time. He must have been too wrapped up in thoughtwith the book. Ahh, he had realized that tomorrow was going to be a longday at work with little sleep. He had been going to bed early lately. Hewent to the kitchen and opened the sliding door. "Tigger? here kittykitty, damn it's late and I have to go to bed, Tigger!"

He called for what seemed like forever. "It's cold out! This cat should bedying to get back inside. Tigger, here kitty!" Ryan figured that he wouldgo out looking in the alley for him. He went around the block threetimes calling for Tigger and didn't see a thing. Oh great! Wouldn't helook responsible loosing her cat the day she left. He called until hislegs were numb from the cold, and by the time he came inside it wasthree thirty. He found the guest room, set the alarm clock for six andfell asleep.

The clock seemed to ring a second after he fell asleep. He had so manythoughts going through his mind and with the cat missing it wasimpossible to have a peaceful sleep. He got up, called for Tigger forawhile longer and then decided to call in sick. Ryan had never missedwork when he wasn't sick before, he seldom stayed home when he was sick.He would go anyway and have a miserable day and then sleep all night.But he did need more than two hours sleep to do anything properly atwork.

Kevin, Ryan's boss was not happy when he called, but was sincerewhen he said I hope you recover soon. Ryan knew that he would have a lotof work to catch up on when he went in on Monday. He called for the catagain and then went back to sleep for a few hours. He woke up again atnoon. He realized that his body's idea of a few hours was different fromhis mind's had been lately. Tigger was still no where to be seen, hewasn't that worried though, his sister's cats would always disappear fora few days and they would come back. He just hoped that Tigger wouldn'ttake more than a few hours.

Ryan spent the day reading more of Belles book, and relaxing. He hadn'tspent a day relaxing in so long. The day went by rather fast and by sixo'clock he heard the worst noise come from outside the kitchen door. Itwas Tigger crying bloody Mary to be let in. Ryan gave him his bowl ofmilk right away, feeling guilty that he had been out so long, thoughTigger chose to. He hovered over the cat and gave him a lot ofattention. He figured that it was safer to leave the cat alone after hehad had some food and affection.

The weekend went by fast, Ryan had called up some old friends,realizing that he needed to go out with people. Besides his brother,he had lost touch with a lot of good friends. He feltbetter going out for a change, that was one thing that he needed to domore of. He had spent so much time at work lately, that he had forgottenabout his social life. He was still young and needed to have fun onceand awhile. It was the first weekend that Ryan had not gone in to workfor almost a month.

As the week went by Ryan actually started to enjoy Tigger's company. Hewas a very affectionate cat and had a good personality. Friday nightcame faster than he thought and Belle would be home in a few hours. Hestraightened up around the house and made for sure everything looked asit did before. He heard Belles car pull up in the drive way and almostfelt nervous.

He wanted to tell her that he read her book and that helearned so much from her experiences, but would she be mad? What if shedidn't want anyone to read her book, did have a lot of personal storiesin it. He had only met her once before, but now he knew her so well.Would she be upset to know that he had stayed over that night? Where wasthe cat? "Tigger!" Ryan saw Tigger run out from the kitchen, he wasprobably eating again.

Belle opened the door. "Hello Ryan, hello Tigger, how did your week go?"Ryan was never going to mention Tigger going missing. "Things wentgreat, if you ever want someone to watch your cat again just let meknow, or if Tigger ever wants to play I'll be more than willing to. Howdid your trip go?"

He helped Belle grab her bags and got her in thedoor. "It was nice to go back to LA again, a lot has change since I waslast there." Ryan didn't know that she had been there before. "How longhas it been since you were there before?" Belle had to think for awhile,which brought the impression that it must have been a few years ago.

"Well, Bill and I were around fifty when we went, so about thirty yearsago. It was good for me to go again by myself." Ryan didn't know whatshe meant, did she not get to see everything when she went with Bill?Belle continued, "I didn't think that I could do it but I did!"

Ryanunderstood now what she had meant. It was hard to go without him and notthink of the good times they had when they were there together. That wassomething he could see Belle doing; testing herself to see if she canstill do things without her husband. Belle took off her coat and shoesand she and Ryan moved into the living room. They sat right in front ofthe book.

"Belle, I hope you don't mind, but while I was here I couldn't help butlook at your book. It looked interesting and so I wanted to see what itwas about. I started reading and enjoyed it so much that I couldn'tstop." Belle was smiling so Ryan continued. "It was amazing. The way youshow your emotions and thoughts about things really helped me take abetter look at the way I see things. I read all the experiences that youwent through and you handled them with all the right intentions andthoughts in mind. It helped me see things a lot clearer through someoneelse's eyes."

He continued to tell her about how her problem that shehad with Bill, he was going through with Catherine, and that her bookgave him some good advice on what to do with things. She listenedattentively to all that he had to say and thanked him for complimentingher.

She gave him more advice. Ryan was never so open to criticism untilnow. She had the best solutions for helping him make himself happy, andnot everyone else, which was what he was doing before. They talked foralmost four hours. Ryan had never felt so relieved to get all that wasbothering him off his chest and to know what to do about it.

Belle and Tigger had helped Ryan more than they would ever know. He now knew about the changes that he had to make with himself. He alsoknew that he could not make them overnight. He had to either find thethings that he enjoyed about his work, or quit complaining and look foranother job. He had to quit whining about what he didn't have and startenjoying what he did have. Above all, he had to think of himself first.

He had to learn to feel better about the person he was or change thethings that he didn't like. These things would all take a lot of time todiscover and he knew that. He also knew that he had to stay friends withCatherine until he worked on himself before they could try theirrelationship again. And if things didn't fall into place with them thenit was not meant to be. Though there were many times when he just wantedto be with her to make things better, he knew now that he had to makethings better with himself before he could have a real relationship withanyone.