Funny how in your darkest hours, you'll hang on to anything you think will help save you from feeling the despair you're feeling at moments.
Another day I wake up with the feeling that I need to get out of here to keep my sanity, to keep on living. 1:30 pm: We head out of the city to show one of your new out of town friends a little town you once showed and told me how it was one of your favorite places you liked to visit.
We get to our destination, and as we wonder around with you sharing your smiles and laughter with her, showing her your favorite shops, I watch from the background and remember the times when it used to be me.
I run out of one of the stores as a wave of emotions hits me. I find a deserted table and a seat, I light up a cigarette and as I take a drag, a feeling of hurt and anger consume me.
I slam my hand on the table with a passion filled with anger; anger at myself for still caring, anger at myself for being so blind all along, anger over something that's not worth how I'm feeling.
We continue visiting the little antique shops, while I carry with me this feeling of emptiness inside of me; an emptiness that weighs heavy in my heart and heavy on my body.
As we enter the last shop in our tour, I stand by the door as you both take off to look around. I hear you both laughing in the back of the store. I feel so alone. I close my eyes to stop the tears from falling and call out to GOD: " Dear God, Please grant me the patience and strength I need until I get myself out of this mess I put myself in".
I swallow the tears and open my eyes once again. As I open my eyes and look around, something catches my eyes; three hearts hanging from a string. The first heart had the word FAITH. The second heart had the word HOPE and the third heart had the word LOVE.
As I stare at the string of hearts and the words on them echo in my mind, I feel the tears rolling down my cheek. Faith, Hope, Love. Isn't that what makes life worth living? Three things missing from my life right now.
I reach out for the string of hearts and hold them in my hand so tight. I wipe my tears, head to the cashier, and pay for my string of hearts to take home with me; to remind me to hang on to my string of life in my moments of despair, to never give up on what makes life worth living: Faith..Hope..Love.
As we drive back home, listening to both of you in the front seat carry on with your laughter and conversation, I feel once again a moment of despair, but not for long, as I reach into my pocket and pull out my little string of hearts. Something to hang on to, until I find life again; FAITH..HOPE..LOVE.