March 6, 2006
It was May 2003. I knew something was wrong. I felt my body weakening as the days progressed. Finally it gave out and I collapsed. I was posted to my bed for months. The pain my body felt was indescribable. I could barely stand and gasped for every breath. One would think in the sick body I was in, depression would take over. But I was blessed. Truly blessed. My illness became a blessing.
Due to my illness I was not able to attend my religious meetings. I would listen to them over the phone on the days the medication didn't consume my body leaving me numb. This particular day there was a problem with the sound system. One of the members of the congregation was trying zealously to connect me, but was unsuccessful. That same day he decided to pay me a visit.
His visit was God sent. His words of encouragement and comfort were what I needed. Those visits progressed and helped with my recovery. As we grew to know each other, we realized how much we had in common, that our lives were parallel. Our friendship blossomed at full speed, creating a powerful bond. We became a source of comfort for each other.
As my body healed, our outings became frequent. We spent most of the time together, going places and talking on the phone for hours. He became the sunshine in my day. My mornings were filled with his early phone calls. My evenings were filled with his warmth. Not a day went by when he wasn't a part of it.
One Sunday evening we were watching a movie on my couch. He put his arms around me and I knew there was more he was feeling. That night we experienced our first kiss. He was confused on what he felt. In his eyes I was beautiful in every way. However, our lives were headed in different directions. Love between us was impossible.
I begged him to not end our friendship. I just couldn't imagine not having him in my life. Weeks went by and he distanced himself from me. He didn't know how to handle what had happened. We spoke about it but there was no solution. Throughout the months we tried to mend the friendship, but the attraction would take over bringing us back to moments of passion; beautiful moments where I expressed my deepest love for him. Our bodies would intertwine leaving me breathless. Sadly those moments would only remind us of our impossible love.
We decided to accept reality. It took all the strength in me to end it. I was heart broken. The void of his loss consumed me. I tried lying to myself saying I didn't need him or miss him and that life will be OK without him. But I had to give in to what I truly felt. My heart was aching. But I had to do the right thing and stay away.
Two months later I received a phone call from one of my close friend. She didn't want to tell me over the phone what had happened and drove me to the hospital. I found my dear Chris being prepared for surgery. He fell and smashed his foot. My heart was in pieces. I visited him in the hospital every day and our feelings were awakened. We spent those days in the hospital holding each other. I couldn't stop telling him how much I had missed him. It was a sigh of relief being together again.
Then it was time for him to go home and begin his recovery. I helped care for him as much as I could. The love I felt for him only deepened. But again reality struck. We couldn't continue seeing each other. It was only making the departure harder to bear.
Again we ended it leaving me devastated. He was sick and I couldn't be there for him as he was for me. I had to walk away with my heart shredded to pieces…again.
Occasionally I called to see if he was OK. But things were never the same again. I lost my best friend and my soul mate. Even though I knew it was for the best, the pain was unbearable at times. Seeing him at church didn't help either. It only reminded me of the loss.
Throughout the months that followed there were moments in which we spoke. We spoke of our desire for one another, which only help build it even stronger. There were moments of deeper passion that followed those conversations but they lead no where.
What we had was what he called a "dead end."
I was tired of the roller coaster. I needed my inner peace. This time we ended it for good. Now he is a memory; someone who will always hold a special place in my heart. I live remembering the loss every day. He never leaves my mind and heart.
I don't know what turns our lives will take, but I wish him happiness. He taught me to always remember the good - a lesson I will carry with me to my grave. I live each day grateful for our encounter even though it was brief. He will always be the sunshine in my day. All I have to do is remember.
--- Copyright © 2006 Yanira Crespo
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