They say that you should live in the moment, live today and not focus on your past or what the future holds. They say you should open your heart and arms to new experiences, take risk and embrace life. They say that if you are too busy talking about your past then you aren't living.
That was me, afraid of risk, yet I find that everyday for me in my life lately is a risk. I don't ponder about possibilities, or destiny, or whether or not I'm living life the way it's supposed to be. I don't question or over analyze what it is that is supposed to happen, or why it doesn't. The strange thing is I am finding contentment. I am finding me.
There once was a voice never often to be heard inside of me that now is not afraid to speak. I find that answers do appear when you pull back from asking, and that all things find a way of resolving themselves if you have just a little bit of faith.
Faith, now that is a good one. I use to blame God for things that happened in my life, for I could not understand for the life of me why it was I had to endure so much pain, or what the meaning was for certain events in my life. I questioned everything and often wanted to give up not only on myself but God.
Many would remind me often that God only gives to you what he knows you can handle, my response was always "well then he does not know me very well". But then as time heals pain, and I began to open my withered broken heart I realized something so simple, something that was always in front of me but so afraid to see.
"God did not make those things happen to me, people did. For it was through people's actions that made me feel a certain way. People make you feel happy, sad, they push you to be a better person, or bring you down, they can motivate you, open your heart and your eyes to new experiences and life long memories, or they can steal every ounce of strength you have... if you let them."
It finally dawned on me, I had let them. I allowed and enabled people to dictate how it was I was supposed to feel, live, and experience life. Instead of my choice, I gave them opportunity to break me, to second guess who it is I am, and more importantly help me to lose faith; faith in God, faith in myself and faith in living. Always too willing to please everybody else that I lost track of what it was that made me happy, and who I was within.
I thought if I focused on everyone else's problems that mine would somehow go away, or that I could shove them in corner and not worry about what it was I was going through or what it was I needed. It was easier to be a clown with a smile on my face and disguise what it was I was really feeling. It was easy to laugh, and wear my mask; it felt better, more secure.
I reached out to everyone else and that is how I liked it... anything than having to focus on my own needs. I would not allow anyone to enter those gates I kept locked down so tight. I would not allow anyone to get a hold of the key, and if they tried, I made sure that task was not easy for them.
Funny, you find that living that way makes it very lonely. You begin to settle and think that you need to be accepting of how it is. You shut yourself from everyone and everything for fear that something may make you feel the slightest bit of happiness, and you find that your self worth has hit rock bottom.
Instead of focusing on the positive things that surround you, you choose the alternate path and would rather criticize yourself for all the things that have gone wrong as opposed to looking at all of the right. Your emotions play on you and like the seasons in a year your feelings change from love, to hatred, to just plain resentment.
Bitterness will begin to consume you if you let it. Then one day you awake and you find that enough is enough. Suddenly life is not all that bad and as you begin each day you find and focus on the many things in your life to be thankful for. You begin to realize just how fortunate you are, and each day becomes easier, and you begin to breathe. You exhale, and you breathe.
Then out of no where, when you least expect it the guard comes down, a door opens and someone finds their way into your foyer. Next thing you know you are experiencing life and love for the first time with arms wide open, eyes shut, and suddenly your driving on a road unpaved taking each mile with caution, yet enthusiasm to see where it is your journey takes you.
You begin to allow your heart to open and you find gratification in the smallest of things. You view your experiences differently and begin to build that bridge as opposed to tearing it down. Again, you find you begin to breathe, you exhale, and you focus on the moment.
You find that love is unconditional and hopeless. You believe in dreams and that love can conquer all.
You believe that good will overpower evil, and you put trust not only in yourself but also in others, and find the courage, the strength, and the empowerment to learn.
Life is not a fairy tale, in fact just the opposite. I do know that we are in control of writing our own story; that each page is blank until we create the words that are to be imprinted on the paper.
We have the right to change our ending at anytime, and we find the courage to take risk, to fail, to fall, and most importantly to get back up and to try again. Without failure there are no lessons learned and without lessons learned you do not truly live life to your fullest.
I have been writing my story for a long time and as referenced above, my ending has changed multiple times. It is with each change that I find new awareness and answers that I have longed for. I may not always like the answers but then again, if life could be predictable where would the adventure be? Everyone would be the same and there would be nothing that separates one from the other. What kind of life would that be?
I have come along way, and although I may not have liked every curve or bend that I have traveled, I know that there is a meaning and a purpose behind each one.
I know that people come into your life for a reason or a purpose and just maybe, if you open your heart to some of those possibilities, you can begin to get a better understanding of what it is you are truly searching for, truly need.
It takes great discipline to stay on track and not be afraid to find what it is that makes you happy, what it is that makes you want to soar and open up to those around you.
I realize that at this time I have not lived long enough nor made enough of an imprint on who I am and how it is I want to be remembered.
I will not be afraid of my journey, I will not be afraid of defeat. I will open my heart as well as my arms to embrace life. I will find the freedom to sing a new song, and dance even when there is no music. I will rewrite and rewrite and never ever be afraid of consequences.
This is my story and I choose the characters, the plot, I choose the beginning, the middle and the end.
This is my story.
Copyright © 2006 Kim Johnson
If you would like to send Kim Feedback: jkim826 at yahoo.com