There was a moment in my life, when I felt so mad at myself.
I could hardly find happiness in anything that I did.
I could barely describe how much I was hurting.
I couldn't imagine myself embracing tomorrow gratefully and happily.
I felt that I lost almost everything I used to have.
I say so, because my greatest possessions --- my self-confidence and self-esteem --- were terribly devastated. They are like lost treasures with just a slim chance or no chance at all of being recovered.
I didn't know how and where to start because I didn't have the confidence that I would end at something I wanted. I couldn't help but think that to try again would only mean to fail again. I was afraid that another failure would cause more injury to what had already been injured and cause more pain to what had already been hurt terribly.
I felt that I had lost almost all of my trust in myself. It seemed to be very impossible for me to even just think that I still believed in myself.
With all of these negative thoughts and feelings, I couldn't figure out what steps to take so I could get onto the right track and find myself successful at the end.
I really didn't know what to do, until...
Suddenly, I was already thinking positively. Then I began to move toward my goal, which was to see myself as the "better me" and change the way of how I was seeing myself at that moment as the "bitter me".
Strong determination for reaching my goal eventually emerged, and from there, I found strength that enabled me to pick up the seemingly hard- to-lift pieces of my broken courage and hope.
By the time my courage and hope were already fixed, I began with the next step: to find and collect all of the scattered pieces of my self-confidence and self-esteem. When I found them all successfully, I felt that I was ready to make the bigger step: to believe in myself again.
With courage, hope, self-confidence, self-esteem, and the new "me" believing in myself again, I was able to make the huge leap surpassing greater worries and more of the discouraging thoughts.
My greatest possessions, that had almost gone irreversibly broken, were like miraculously restored, enabling me to continue on the journey toward victory.
I never knew what might happen next along the way. There were two things that I was sure about --- a lifetime of struggle with the negativity and just a blink of an eye to get lost. I am happy that I have stayed positive this far.
In any way, this is not about me, but this is mainly about "the one" who made all those things happen; "the one" who fixed what was broken and made it whole again, "the one" to whom I owe everything.
At the time that I was seeing myself in the most desperate situation, all I can remember is that I realized one thing: "I might have lost everything but as long as my Faith in God remains, I can still survive".
My faith led me to the answer for all problems - God's Love.
All of a sudden, my world seemed to completely turn around. Thoughts about our loving God began filling up mind. God is always patient with me, even though I am impatient with Him. God is always very happy in giving me, in His time, all the things which are meant for me, even though I am not happy in receiving them just because they are not given to me when I wanted them.
God remembers me all the time, even though I forget about Him most of the time. God loves the way He created me, even though I don't love the way I was made. God does not abandon me, even though I fail to understand and trust His ways. God loves me, and I know He always will!
My mind was flooded with thoughts about God's agape love towards me as a sinner, and no space was left for my thoughts of frustration, desperation and resentment. Negative thoughts were cleared out of my mind.
Suddenly, I was already thinking positively...
I was broken but I got fixed!
Copyright © 2010 James Patrick Cabacungan
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